TL: Wtf is he stupid?
Me: Well..
TL: ::starts to type out email::
Me: Right whenever you are talking to anyone over the email no matter who they are, always start politely. Put in a hello or hi or something you normally would do.
TL: ::looks at me like he knows better::
Me: Trust me.
TL: ::Follows my direction and enters in some niceties including regards at the end of the mail::
Me: The thing to remember is if something ever goes wrong and all these emails are made public you need to appear clean. He will end up looking stupid, but don’t stoop to his level. He will trip himself up in the end.
TL: Really?
Me: If you answer the emails the way he does then you are no better than him. You need to be like oil my friend.
Him: Like oil?
Me: Yeah oil floats on water everything else just mixes into the water and makes it look muddy.
Him: …

Just then our boss had caught onto what was happening and had read the silly reply back from the person he had been writing to and was quick to put them in their place. He felt a bit relieved after this point.

So remember to be like oil if you ever get into any arguments over emails!

So I popped back in to let them know the email addresses were now live and once they had connected their computers in they could use them. On this occasion one of the partners arrived in just after and had with him a folder of the new print material which had been collected fresh from the printers. He proceeded to talk about how “Cool the new business cards” were. I took a look at one and indeed they were quite fresh looking. I started to read the information and noticed the email address had been written completely incorrectly and so had the website url. So I calmed the party down a little and said ‘hey the information is incorrect, if you end up printing these out with the incorrect information there will be nothing I can do to correct the web site url and email addresses to make them match’. He replied ‘Oh yeah, don’t worry about that these are just the test prints. They look cool thought don’t they I think they’re ready for printing’. I looked at his partner, we realised this guy had absolutely no idea of the implications. It was quickly agreed that none would be printed out until the web/url information was verified correct by myself.

Whenever we would see an old college buddy we would ask ‘hey what are you up to now?’ and every old buddy you meet without question always claims to have a better job. Even if it’s not better the job title would definitely sound very exclusive. One person told me they were an IT consultant, which sounds brilliant. So I quizzed further “What type of things do you get up to then?”
“Ah well, lots of different things. I have to admit its not that exciting. I was in one firm and I was installing virus checks on all of there machines.” He said.
I couldn’t think of anything more boring so I asked do they not they have an IT department. He replied well yes they do but the IT department didn’t want to make a decision on which one to use so I was hired to work on a ‘security initiative’ with them.

The point I’m trying to make is no matter how snazzy our job role title is we’re all just hygiene operatives at the end of the day.

We had a young team leader in the midst who regards himself as, quite simply a ladies man. You wouldn’t feel these vibes off him straight off the bat, but he can be very entertaining. Also the companies’ cleaner is a very good looking woman. Not something you would expect but it just happens to be the case. She walked in and kind of roamed around the office. After the niceties hello’s and hi and what are you guys up to, our man went into his stride.

“Oh there is some extra over time work happening in our department. Fancy doing a few hours?” he said.

(I know it doesn’t sound like game talk but trust me you have to start somewhere).

She replied “… doing that?”
He replied enthusiastically “Yeah!”
“I can’t think of anything more boring.” She replied very unenthusiastically.
He took a moment, “Hey don’t say that, you’ll be working with me. How can that be boring?”
“Exactly what I meant, I can’t think of anything more boring than that!” She replied as everyone in the room burst out laughing as the poor boy looked on deflated.

After he sat down and taking sneak looks. I quickly figured he had stuck bits of paper over cuts he’d suffered, obviously by shaving in the morning. It looked very odd to be walking into work with bits of paper stuck to your face. I didn’t realise people still did this and even if they did, I’m sure they don’t walk into work and expect everyone to take them seriously.

Dear Boss,

I think you are courageous and a valiant leader. I am humbled to be working for you. I admire how you take this difficult role within your stride and how you are fearless when things get difficult.  I couldn’t think of a better boss to work for.

Anything that I have written or may write which you in anyway happen to dislike is purely fictional. However anything I write which is complimentary in anyway is purely from the heart. As I said I love working for you and couldn’t think of anything better than doing so. So forgive any slip of my fingers where I was supposed to type something nice but the fingers hit the wrong keys.

Boss did I tell you how good you look?

She said “I’ve a problem, I’ve done something stupid.”
Yas: “So why are you here, leave my office take your problem elsewhere”

I was joking, I’m approached at work with similar opening lines all the time. Its my department which ends up cleaning up the mess from other departments. Luckily in this instance the problem turned out to be far easier.

The lady from the quality control department had received some ladies belts. She had tried them on. Starting with the smallest obviously. But was surprised when size large didn’t fit her. So she had sent a sample of the belts off to the technical department. Normally my department would be informed of this but on this occasion she had not done.

Anyway she was telling me the story of how she tried putting on size large and it didn’t fit! what crossed my mind was well maybe you need an extra large. Obviously once the words ‘extra’ and ‘large’ crossed my mind I knew in this instance I need to keep my mouth shut no matter what happens. It was one of those volatile situations whereby speaking the wrong word no matter how remotely related or unrelated it is will cause a reaction which would have left her feeling bad. Women and sensitive go hand in hand like red leather and gloves.

She finished off by letting me know the technical department had found no faults and that the size was correct. Then she said well either the size is small on these belts or I’m just fat and I’m now going to go and cry.

Please not in my office I thought. Leave the belts here and I will get them to the right waist, I mean place!